유아적 놀이 행위로 포장된 감정에 관한 작업 연구

Abstract

본연구는본인이내면에서경험한이상과현실사이의대립된간극을좁히기위한행위로부터시작하였다. 본인은성장하면서독립적으로세상을헤쳐나가는동시에심리적인안정감을찾기위해, 경험하고싶지않은대상들을본인이선호하는이미지로둔갑시키고자하였다. 이이미지는본인의개인적인만족감을충족시키고이상적인세계에가까워질수있는매개체역할을한다. 또한, 작업을통해본인이지속해서꿈꿔온환상의세계를구축하고, 이것을다른사람들과일상속에서공유하고자했다.

이상과현실은서로대립하면서양가적인심상적특성을만들어낸다. 이러한관계는현대사회가성인에게부여하는자유라는의미속에숨어있는관습적인통념과규율그리고제도사이에서생겨난다. 본인은대립하는두관계사이에선채균형을유지함으로써괴리감을극복하고자했다. 이상은현실을좀더긍정적인방향으로이끌어주고, 현실은즐거움속에서도현재의삶에충실해조화롭게어울려살아가게끔중심을잡아준다. 이러한관점으로바라보았을때, 본인이하는일들은내면의나를표출함으로써어른으로성장한나가동심의환상세계에한발자국더가깝게만들어주는역할을한다. 그결과, 본인은작업을통해두관계사이에서균형을유지한다.

작업을진행할때에는본인의감정과작업사이의상호작용, 그리고경험의과정 이전반적으로중요하게작용했다. 경험의과정은작업의재료와구성과색감에온전히배어있다. 본인은이과정안에서나타나는심리적상호작용을표출하고공유하고자하였다. 이어서이일들을통해나는무엇을좋아하고, 왜좋아하는지그리고무엇을꿈꾸며살아가는지에대한궁금증을해소하고자했다. 그러므로본인은외부의사건이나이야기보다는본인의삶과내면의심리에집중해서작업을이끌어갔다.

본논문에서는동심속환상의세계를꿈꾸는내면의나와어른으로성장해현실의삶을살아가고있는나 사이의균형유지를위해본인이작업에서의도한네가지요소인핑크, 틈, 놀이, 포장에대하여소개하였다. 핑크는작품의표면색상으로주로사용하였으며, 시각적인효과뿐만아니라심리적인경험에영향을미친다. 이는본인이어린시절타의로접하게되어지금은스스로선호하는색으로, 어린시절기억을통해감각적으로선명히떠오르는내면의동심과연결된다. 두번째로틈은본인이이상과현실의세계에서느끼는괴리감을중재시켜주는물리적인공간이다. 이는어른이된본인의머릿속에서이상과현실의사이를자유롭게오갈수있는통로의역할을한다. 다음으로, 본인의내면적갈등을해소하고균형을유지하기위한방식으로사용한놀이의행위에관하여서술하였다. 그리고마지막포장에서는, 작업을지속하면서느끼는양가적인모순된감상에관해설명했다. 이는순수한동심으로부터느끼는긍정적인감정과주입식교육의결과물인포장된감정에대한부정적인감정을이야기한다.

본인은작업을통해내면의아이와순수함을끄집어내어어른이된자아가경험하는내면적대립과간극을좁히고모호하게만들었다. 이에두관계는대화하고상호반응하며, 그결과서로가긍정적인방향으로발전해간다. 본인의작업은관습적인틀에갇힌어른의동심을넘어, 아이같은무한한상상의세계와순수성으로가까워지게만드는역할을한다. 반면에, 마음속깊은곳에서는온전하지못한감정이라고느끼면서무조건적으로믿었던긍정적인감정에의문을던지는새로운계기가된다. 이의문은작업을통해, 본인개인의내면적갈등에서비롯된미묘한불편함에서, 모범화된어른혹은성숙한여성이라는보편적가치에가두려는사회적시스템에대한반문으로확장되었다. 본인은본연구를통해관습적인사회적인식에지속적으로반문을던지며, 독립된개체로서자아의정체성을탐구하고확립하고자한다.

주요어:양가적심상, 놀이, 환상세계, 현실세계, 간극, 균형

This study begins with the authors action to reduce the gap between the internally experienced ideal and the reality. During the growth period, in order to cope with the world independently and to seek psychological stability, the author used to transform the objects that are not experienced favorably into the preferred images. The images satisfied the author personally and served as a mediator to reach an ideal world. Through the present artwork, the author tried to establish the world that has continuously been fantasized and to share it with others in daily life.

While opposing each other, the ideal and the reality create ambivalent images. Such a relation occurs in the customarily accepted ideas, rules and systems, as they are hidden in the meaning of freedom, which is given to the adults by the modern society. The author tried to overcome the gap by keeping a balance between the ideal and the reality. The ideal guides the reality in a more positive direction, whereas the reality keeps a balance to be faithful to and harmonized with the current life while enjoying the life. From this kind of viewpoint, the authors artwork enables the author to express what is inside in order for the author, as a grown-up, to come one step closer to the fantasized world of childish innocence. Hence, the artwork enables the author to maintain a balance between the ideal and the reality.

The interaction between the authors emotion and the artwork as well as the process of experiences was crucial to the artwork. The process of experiences is fully reflected to the materials, composition and colors of the artwork. The author desired to express and share the psychological interaction that occurs in the process. The author also wanted to find the answers to the questions, What do I like?, Why do I like that?, and What am I dreaming of? Therefore, when preparing the artwork, the author was focusing on the authors own life and the internal psychological state, rather than external events or stories.

The present thesis introduces the four elements of the authors artwork that were employed to keep a balance between the internal ego that is dreaming of the fantasized world of childish innocence and the person that is living in the real world as a grown-up: pink, crack, play, and packaging. Pink, used as the main color of the artwork, not only gives a visual effect but also affects the psychological experiences. Encountered in the childhood by others will but favored now by the authors own will, the color is connected with the internal world of childish innocence that is clearly recalled to the mind through the memories of the childhood. Crack is a physical space that mediates the gap between the authors ideal and the real world. The gap serves as a channel that allows the author to freely travel in the mind between the ideal and the reality after becoming an adult. The act of play is the authors means to resolve the internal conflicts and maintain a balance. Finally, packaging describes the ambivalent and contradictory feelings during the work of art. The packaging represents both the positive feelings toward the world of childish innocence and the negative feelings about the emotions packaged or decorated by the learning by rote.

Through the artwork, the author has drawn the childish innocence that is deep in the heart and mind in order to reduce and blur the internal conflicts experienced by the author after being grown-up. The childish innocence and the real world of grown-ups converse and interact with each other to develop in a positive direction. The authors artwork enables the viewers to not only recall the world of childish innocence confined in the customary framework of the grown-ups but also come closer to the unrestricted world of imagination and innocence. In addition, the authors artwork provides an opportunity to raise a question, deeply in the heart, about the feelings that have been unconditionally believed to be positive, as the feelings are recognized as incomplete ones. This question has been extended through the present artwork, from a subtly uncomfortable feeling originating with the authors internal conflicts to a counter-question regarding the social system that has attempted to confine the author in the universal value of exemplary adult or mature woman. In the present study, the author has continuously raised questions about the traditional social recognition, and explored and established the authors identity as an independent individual.

Key words : ambivalent image, play, fantasized world, real world, gap, balance